Interview with the Daytons

I was lucky enough to catch up with the main characters of my new book Pallbearer to find out what they've been up to since debuting in Woodcutter. Here is the transcript.

INT. LITTLEHAVEN – SITTING ROOM - DAY

SHAUN is a bespectacled forty-something writer, dressed in a cardigan and corduroys. He shifts uneasily in his chair.

SHAUN

Welcome to Littlehaven Farm in Scotland. How was the journey from Newcastle?

DANIEL is a six foot eight gangster. He is handsome with short hair and intense eyes. He folds his arms.

BRONSON is a toad-like man with a handlebar moustache and a twitch in his cheek. He stares around the floor.

BRONSON

Have you hoovered up? This place is a mess. Have you hoovered up?

SHAUN

I've been busy.

BRONSON

Busy wandering as a cloud? I know what you writers are like.

SHAUN

(clears throat)

Are you a fan of Wordsworth?

DANIEL

Sold us moody vodka. It was tonic water with anti-freeze in it. Bronson went blind for a week.

BRONSON

He doesn't mean Jonny Wordsworth. I think he means the poet.

DANIEL

Wordsworth isn't a poet. He's an idiot. I saw him down the dole office. He signs his name with a hand print.

SHAUN

You first came to people's attention in Woodcutter. How does it feel to be in the sequel Pallbearer?

BRONSON

I can't wait to be famous, me.

DANIEL

You're already famous.

BRONSON

Just because the police know who I am, doesn't make me famous.

DANIEL

(to SHAUN)

Look, mate. I don't want to be here. I used to live in Scotland. It has two types of weather. Rain and sideways rain. Why don't you get on with it and I can go back home?

SHAUN

Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about Pallbearer?

DANIEL

It's about me –

BRONSON

(interrupting)

Like everything is.

DANIEL

And I'm trying to build my family back up. We lost so much in Woodcutter, we're vulnerable.

BRONSON

But the Maguires are flooding Newcastle with a new designer drug. Obviously, we can't let that happen.

DANIEL

Obviously.

SHAUN

Do we meet any other characters from Woodcutter?

DANIEL

DCI Spencer turns up. Unfortunately.

BRONSON

That guy is like a carpet stain. You don't how it got there, but you can't seem to get rid of it, either.

DANIEL

Bear gets a bigger role this time, which is nice. He needs the money.

BRONSON

(looking to DANIEL)

And Lily is back, of course.

DANIEL picks at a thread on his trousers.

BRONSON

I find her to be a very smart and pretty individual. How about you, Daniel?

DANIEL

(to SHAUN)

Any other questions, four-eyes?

SHAUN adjusts his glasses.

SHAUN

So what do you think about the author?

DANIEL

Never met him.

BRONSON

I heard he's grossly overweight.

SHAUN

Probably glandular.

BRONSON

And that he stars in his own pornography.

SHAUN

That is definitely not true.

DANIEL

(leans forward)

I think the lady doth protest too much.

SHAUN

No, I don't.

BRONSON

(to DANIEL)

Time to go. You're making her blush.

SHAUN

This interview is over.

Pallbearer is available on Amazon. I hope you enjoy it. The first in the series Woodcutter is also available.